Introspection

I'm in an... interesting mood. A rather introspective mood. (on a side note, ever meet someone who was being interspective?) I've been feeling like this for about a month now, maybe a bit longer or shorter. Anytime I start to think about me, and who I am, and where I am in my life, I get kind of... depressed. It's rather odd.

It comes down to one thing: I don't think I know who I am. I feel like I've tried to be somebody my whole life, tried to force myself into some mold I had for myself... but that I've never been honest with myself or anyone else about who I am. I pretend, day in and day out, that I know some things, or that I'm good at some things, or that I like some things. I'm not even sure that I know, am good at, or like anything (there's some Socratic wisdom for you).

So this puts me in the position of knowing that I have built this life that I don't have any connection with. That's not to say that I don't care for my friends; I do, and deeply. It's that I'm faced with the fact that I've probably lied to all of them. Perhaps not outright, perhaps no false words left my lips... but lied none the less. What kind of a person does that make me?

I'm a nice guy, or at least I try to be. Bridget has often gotten on my case about about being too nice, and I think maybe she's right. I don't feel like I let people walk over me, really... it's more like I walk over me for them. I don't know if i can change that. Most people probably don't even notice it, really.

I'm not a good friend. I'm wishy-washy. I'm absent-minded. I do things for me more often than not. I don't think to involve people that are, or I wnat to be, my friends. Combine this trait with the one above, and you get me, whose first thought of one friend is thetime I almost left him behind when going to eat - and he was in the same room with me. I don't even try to keep in touch with some of the best friends I have, and those I do, I perpetuate the lie that is my life. This, as one can imagine, leads to the long, quiet, alone moments that need these days.

(I'm not ranting, or trying to be emotional here. I don't want anyone to apologize to me, or try to talk to me about this - you may notice that comments are off. this is something I need to figure out.)

I am a violent person. Kind of lends itself to the martial arts. I also have a short temper. When I get angry, my first solution is violence. I will often be very, very angry, and will have to fight the urge not to beat the crap out of someone. If you see me clenching fists and/or jaw... well, I'm not happy. Years of practice have made it easier to swallow that reaction, and turn it into long, quiet, alone moments.

So... those are my thoughts for the day... who's next?